All posts tagged rules

On Friday Hawk and my own hormones convinced me to lock my collar back on, and over the weekend I was at a few events at which it was out in the open. I have to say, it’s been a really mixed bag and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

Collar and harness

This is my collar; this is my harness; this is me ready for the leather party.

On one hand, I get that symbols are useful for shorthand communication; cf. the hanky code, among other things. But what really infuriates me about the kink community is this sense I get so often that there’s one right way to participate in a kink, and if you don’t follow the rules you aren’t welcome. I would have thought fellow kinksters, if anybody, would have understood that enforcing models onto other people’s sexuality isn’t a good way of going about things. I know it’s not a universal attitude, but even when I talk to fellow kinksters about it who tend to agree, it is still often only in a “I’m not racist but” kind of way.

This weekend it came up most directly in the form of assumptions about what my wearing a collar signified. One guy addressed Hawk as if I wasn’t even there. One laughed at me for “not knowing what it meant” when telling me that other guys weren’t allowed to flirt with me with it on. Another asked “so are you his boy now?” as if that was a well defined relationship model. I don’t really fault any of these guys for it—like I said I get that there is symbolism attached to it—but that symbolism seemed to conjure up all these rules about what I should and shouldn’t be doing with it for people. With my friends I know I explain things and correct their expectations, but some are really stubborn about it. It is not a surprise to me as this is by no means the first time I have faced this (I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been called “a bad sub” or told that “you must not really be into [any given kink] then” for not conforming to exactly how a guy thought things should go), but frankly I still just don’t get it.

Why am I wearing this collar? I wear it because I think it’s hot to be bound to a sign of submission to Hawk. It doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to speak to other guys. It doesn’t mean I’m exclusively “his boy”, whatever that is supposed to mean. It doesn’t mean that I’m not my own person. It doesn’t really define anything about my relationship to Hawk or anybody else other than the fact that we both thought it would be hot for me to wear it. I really wish that was the only assumption people would come up to me with.

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My encounter tonight in the sauna made me realize something, which I had actually alluded to in a previous post as well. Part of the reason for this experiment with not cumming is to feel what it’s like to stay horny, on this hormone high, and let that help me embrace my kinky and sexual side (as well as making it easier to integrate that into the rest of my life in a more well-rounded way).

Unfortunately, I find now that not being able to cum is also restricting my sex life in unintended ways. Recently with the cute guy offering me a blowjob at the gym, being so close to the edge meant I couldn’t make the most of it. Sure, I could have blown him, and certainly part of the intent of this challenge was to make me more unabashedly slutty and submissive like that, but 1. that wasn’t the situation that presented itself and 2. when I get this horny it’s pretty easy to get me into a top mood.

So, this makes me think that the challenge as it currently set up isn’t aligned properly with its goals. And that makes me think a rule change might be in order, although, to be clear, I’m not changing the rules yet, I’m just soliciting feedback for now, and will discuss it with Hawk. Some elements of a modified challenge might be:

  • Cumming by someone else’s mouth or ass could be allowed
  • As above, but only a limited number of times, say, once a week tops
  • and possibly also only if I cum without touching myself at all
  • which might allow for other guys to jerk me off or fuck the cum out of me…
  • Then the challenge might be modified to be only 12 times jerking off alone
  • or only jerking off once if I haven’t otherwise cum in the last month
  • or some other variation

Personally, I like the idea of being allowed to cum if I’m with another guy and if it’s without touching myself, and otherwise only being allowed to jerk off if I haven’t cum for the previous month.

This would kill the “12 shot challenge” moniker, since I could well cum more often than that, but it would reduce the effect of limiting my sexual activity while still making sure I stay horny otherwise. It would create an incentive to seek out sex more often, which could either be a good or bad thing. Bad if I abuse the privilege and seek out encounters whenever I feel like jerking off, but good if it means I’m more able to act on those urges building up and riding those highs (in a healthy way). To be honest, I think I would still tend towards not cumming, especially in sexual encounters where I was in a sub/bottom role, because I know how good it feels to keep the anticipation running high.

Oh, and perhaps I should also mention in the interest of full disclosure that there is a really hot guy who has explicitly told me he wants to fuck the cum out of me sometime this week and I don’t want to leave him disappointed.

Anyway, I’m putting this out here for feedback, from Hawk, from any readers here, and also to my twitter followers. What say you all?

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