On Friday Hawk and my own hormones convinced me to lock my collar back on, and over the weekend I was at a few events at which it was out in the open. I have to say, it’s been a really mixed bag and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
On one hand, I get that symbols are useful for shorthand communication; cf. the hanky code, among other things. But what really infuriates me about the kink community is this sense I get so often that there’s one right way to participate in a kink, and if you don’t follow the rules you aren’t welcome. I would have thought fellow kinksters, if anybody, would have understood that enforcing models onto other people’s sexuality isn’t a good way of going about things. I know it’s not a universal attitude, but even when I talk to fellow kinksters about it who tend to agree, it is still often only in a “I’m not racist but” kind of way.
This weekend it came up most directly in the form of assumptions about what my wearing a collar signified. One guy addressed Hawk as if I wasn’t even there. One laughed at me for “not knowing what it meant” when telling me that other guys weren’t allowed to flirt with me with it on. Another asked “so are you his boy now?” as if that was a well defined relationship model. I don’t really fault any of these guys for it—like I said I get that there is symbolism attached to it—but that symbolism seemed to conjure up all these rules about what I should and shouldn’t be doing with it for people. With my friends I know I explain things and correct their expectations, but some are really stubborn about it. It is not a surprise to me as this is by no means the first time I have faced this (I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been called “a bad sub” or told that “you must not really be into [any given kink] then” for not conforming to exactly how a guy thought things should go), but frankly I still just don’t get it.
Why am I wearing this collar? I wear it because I think it’s hot to be bound to a sign of submission to Hawk. It doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to speak to other guys. It doesn’t mean I’m exclusively “his boy”, whatever that is supposed to mean. It doesn’t mean that I’m not my own person. It doesn’t really define anything about my relationship to Hawk or anybody else other than the fact that we both thought it would be hot for me to wear it. I really wish that was the only assumption people would come up to me with.Leave a Comment