All posts tagged anticipation

My encounter tonight in the sauna made me realize something, which I had actually alluded to in a previous post as well. Part of the reason for this experiment with not cumming is to feel what it’s like to stay horny, on this hormone high, and let that help me embrace my kinky and sexual side (as well as making it easier to integrate that into the rest of my life in a more well-rounded way).

Unfortunately, I find now that not being able to cum is also restricting my sex life in unintended ways. Recently with the cute guy offering me a blowjob at the gym, being so close to the edge meant I couldn’t make the most of it. Sure, I could have blown him, and certainly part of the intent of this challenge was to make me more unabashedly slutty and submissive like that, but 1. that wasn’t the situation that presented itself and 2. when I get this horny it’s pretty easy to get me into a top mood.

So, this makes me think that the challenge as it currently set up isn’t aligned properly with its goals. And that makes me think a rule change might be in order, although, to be clear, I’m not changing the rules yet, I’m just soliciting feedback for now, and will discuss it with Hawk. Some elements of a modified challenge might be:

  • Cumming by someone else’s mouth or ass could be allowed
  • As above, but only a limited number of times, say, once a week tops
  • and possibly also only if I cum without touching myself at all
  • which might allow for other guys to jerk me off or fuck the cum out of me…
  • Then the challenge might be modified to be only 12 times jerking off alone
  • or only jerking off once if I haven’t otherwise cum in the last month
  • or some other variation

Personally, I like the idea of being allowed to cum if I’m with another guy and if it’s without touching myself, and otherwise only being allowed to jerk off if I haven’t cum for the previous month.

This would kill the “12 shot challenge” moniker, since I could well cum more often than that, but it would reduce the effect of limiting my sexual activity while still making sure I stay horny otherwise. It would create an incentive to seek out sex more often, which could either be a good or bad thing. Bad if I abuse the privilege and seek out encounters whenever I feel like jerking off, but good if it means I’m more able to act on those urges building up and riding those highs (in a healthy way). To be honest, I think I would still tend towards not cumming, especially in sexual encounters where I was in a sub/bottom role, because I know how good it feels to keep the anticipation running high.

Oh, and perhaps I should also mention in the interest of full disclosure that there is a really hot guy who has explicitly told me he wants to fuck the cum out of me sometime this week and I don’t want to leave him disappointed.

Anyway, I’m putting this out here for feedback, from Hawk, from any readers here, and also to my twitter followers. What say you all?

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Things have been pretty quiet for me the last little while sexually, but I don’t want to leave this site too long without an update. My xtube video was featured on dudetube, which is interesting, but mostly I’ve been busy with other things which makes it a lot easier to avoid the temptation of jerking off. Nonetheless, when I check various sites for new comments and messages, especially tumblr, that temptation comes rushing back and in almost no time at all I feel like I need to cum.

It goes away again if I distract myself with something else; it’s not like I have a terrible case of blue balls or anything. But it is always there beneath the surface. While there’s nothing in the rules about not hooking up, I haven’t been motivated to do that. On one hand, I love the idea of channeling this pent up energy into being more sexually active, but on the other I haven’t been too satisfied with the quality of those kinds of hookups much lately, even before this challenge started. I want to be more sexually active, but realistically even if I were allowed to cum (and thus a bit less hesitant about hooking up), 90% of the time I’d just jerk off on my own anyway.

I think this means that I need to seek out more interesting things. One type of interesting would be a steady boyfriend; one, of course, who is on board with having me collared to a guy like Hawk. Another is the sort of things Hawk wants to challenge me to do. For example, I am sure I will have to shower at the gym with my collar on before the week is out, and Hawk wants to add the chastity cage to that as well. And of course, I can seek out more interesting hookups outside of either Hawk or something long term. Things like getting naked outside, groups, making videos, or exploring new kinks. Unfortunately, none of those are available spontaneously when I need them, so I need to put work into pursuing these other kinds of interesting.

I guess that’s just another way in which satisfaction must be delayed. Hopefully I can get high off the anticipation rather than frustrated at the lack of execution.

Time without cumming: 18 days, 19 hours
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