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All posts for the month February, 2014

It’s been over a week since my last update. There hasn’t been much to report, unfortunately. With my full time job there’s not much time to do anything. Even cumming!

Number of times cumming in 2014: 2 (only 10 left!)
Time without cumming: 55 days, 20 hours

There just hasn’t been an opportunity that seemed worth it, although I had a couple good prospects that just haven’t panned out. This weekend will be busy with a big gay event which is occasionally pretty flirty, but I’m not anticipating any real action there either, so there’s a good chance we’ll be into March before I cum. That’s definitely good in that it’ll get me back on track for a once-a-month average, but I don’t want to go much longer!

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On Friday Hawk and my own hormones convinced me to lock my collar back on, and over the weekend I was at a few events at which it was out in the open. I have to say, it’s been a really mixed bag and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

Collar and harness

This is my collar; this is my harness; this is me ready for the leather party.

On one hand, I get that symbols are useful for shorthand communication; cf. the hanky code, among other things. But what really infuriates me about the kink community is this sense I get so often that there’s one right way to participate in a kink, and if you don’t follow the rules you aren’t welcome. I would have thought fellow kinksters, if anybody, would have understood that enforcing models onto other people’s sexuality isn’t a good way of going about things. I know it’s not a universal attitude, but even when I talk to fellow kinksters about it who tend to agree, it is still often only in a “I’m not racist but” kind of way.

This weekend it came up most directly in the form of assumptions about what my wearing a collar signified. One guy addressed Hawk as if I wasn’t even there. One laughed at me for “not knowing what it meant” when telling me that other guys weren’t allowed to flirt with me with it on. Another asked “so are you his boy now?” as if that was a well defined relationship model. I don’t really fault any of these guys for it—like I said I get that there is symbolism attached to it—but that symbolism seemed to conjure up all these rules about what I should and shouldn’t be doing with it for people. With my friends I know I explain things and correct their expectations, but some are really stubborn about it. It is not a surprise to me as this is by no means the first time I have faced this (I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been called “a bad sub” or told that “you must not really be into [any given kink] then” for not conforming to exactly how a guy thought things should go), but frankly I still just don’t get it.

Why am I wearing this collar? I wear it because I think it’s hot to be bound to a sign of submission to Hawk. It doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to speak to other guys. It doesn’t mean I’m exclusively “his boy”, whatever that is supposed to mean. It doesn’t mean that I’m not my own person. It doesn’t really define anything about my relationship to Hawk or anybody else other than the fact that we both thought it would be hot for me to wear it. I really wish that was the only assumption people would come up to me with.

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Sucking cock

Happily the light was much better for this photo.

I don’t know whether it was because I was still on a high from swallowing that guy’s load yesterday, a rush of endorphins from the start of the long weekend, or both, but tonight I felt like I was in overdrive. I don’t think I’ll go into too many details this time, but suffice to say that by about 9 pm I had sucked off a hot thick latino guy in a park by my place despite the freezing temperatures (I tried to take a pic but there was not enough light), and by 11 pm I had a new video to post on xtube.

Thinking back on it I wonder if I was giving in a bit too much, and even now maybe admitting a bit too much by putting it on the record here, but having still not cum in weeks it just felt right. That’s a theme that continued a bit later when I started texting with Hawk, and he started saying things like this:

I think about forcing a collar on you all the time.

I want you to resign yourself to wearing a collar everywhere.

Last time he had locked the collar on me, we had negotiated that I would only wear it for a week, using the excuse that I had a date with a guy the next weekend and didn’t want to scare him off. When he unlocked it a week later, he told me to take the collar and the lock home, but kept the key for himself. I think he like the thought that if I caved and locked it back on, I wouldn’t have any escape without his permission. With that context, he sent this:

I feel like it’s time to lock it on you and keep it on, and if you want to talk logistics and fears we do that while it’s locked on you.

Throughout our whole conversation I was incredibly turned on, knowing he was right, knowing I wanted to feel the collar locked on and feel the significance of being his pup without any negotiations about end dates or when I might need the collar off for whatever lame excuse my nerves might want to come up with. Immediately after that last text, he said:

We can continue this tomorrow, I think it’s time for bed.

But I had to text back

Too late.

and told him to check twitter, where I had posted the evidence of what I had done by way of my first Vine. Turn on the audio and listen to that click.

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I was on the fence about going to the gym tonight, but at around 8pm I got an email from an exhibitionist friend saying he’d be there, so that settled it.

I wasn’t sure what time he was going to be there, but I figured I’d just go and try my luck. After my workout I stripped and walked into the showers, on my way glancing into the sauna and seeing that my friend was there buck naked, but with quite a few other people around.

I went to the showers first to rinse off the sweat from my workout, expecting to go join the guys in the sauna in a minute, but my buddy came out and took the shower right next to me before I was done. Even though there were one or two other people in the room, he faced the wall and started getting hard. I faced outward, with my eye on the door and the guy showering across from us, and whenever I could I reached out and grabbed his now rock hard cock. Whenever the other guys had their backs to us, we jerked each other off, or he grabbed at my ass. I wanted to suck him off but our positions weren’t right to let me keep an eye on the door while doing it. Happily the traffic was pretty low, though, and he both bent down to suck me off for a few seconds, and also got his cock up against my ass hole at one point. How fucking hot it would have been to feel him slide inside right there in the open, if only for a second!

I noted through this that I was able to get hard and jerk off without that feeling like I was too close to the edge that I’ve described before. I think either I’ve crossed some point where I just know I’m not going to be able to cum so I don’t feel the pressure to go over the edge, or that because I’ve been working all day instead of edging all day I’m just not as close to the edge as I usually have been. Anyway, I got fucking hard there in the open showers and loved it.

After a lot of grabbing and jerking each other, my friend looked like he was getting ready to cum. Standing facing the wall but turned towards me, and with my eye on the door, he jerked himself off while I rubbed the head of his cock and had my hand ready to catch his load. Luckily nobody came in as he went over the edge and I watched my palm fill up with his cum. As soon as he was done I dumped what I had caught into my mouth and swallowed. Not quite as hot as if I had swallowed it straight from the source but it still felt good to do.

I continued playing with myself, staying hard, and showing off, enjoying this new found ability to jerk off without worrying about cumming, but still didn’t let myself get too far. Six weeks and counting! Hoping to find the right scene to get off on soon, though.

Number of times cumming in 2014: 2 (only 10 left!)
Time without cumming: 42 days, 23 hours
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I gave the TRADE party a second go last night and had a pretty good night, much better than the first time.

I didn’t think I was in the mood for exhibitionism, and wanted to save my leather gear for next week’s BlacKKnight party anyway, so didn’t put much thought into my wardrobe. Just jeans and a tank, but of course I couldn’t go again without locking a collar on.

cheating collar

Hawk will notice that I cheated here.

Once there, the crowd looked like any other night at any other bar. I’ve heard grumbling that Woody’s is becoming a straight bar and Black Eagle is becoming the default men’s bar now, losing it’s real leather/kink bar status, and that seemed evident tonight. Or maybe a broader appeal is just the consequence of running a popular event? So I was happy that I hadn’t committed to wearing anything risque.

I quickly discovered that there were different atmospheres to be found. The front area was very run-of-the-mill gays in mostly casual dress. Upstairs was darker and quieter with a stand-around-and-drink vibe. Even the backroom was completely dead; full of people, but nothing happening worth of the name. The real fun, I found, was in the back part of the main floor. This is where the music was and where the younger crowd was having fun. Walking back there I immediately felt that this is where I would have to start taking some clothes off.

I gave into that overwhelming desire to strip, and soon I was in nothing but tight red trunks and that collar. Even knowing that there would people I knew around who would see, I had to give in. Five weeks of sexual energy will make a guy do things like that. I wasn’t the only one either; there wasn’t a lot of action, but there were definitely blow jobs happening here and there and I did get to watch one hot guy in a harness getting fucked.

When they announced last call I was about ready to leave, but the friends I had come with found me and convinced me to go back for just a few more minutes. I had been on edge most of the evening, and when I noticed we had ended up beside the party’s host Deviant Otter naked and getting blown by some guy, my inhibitions were low enough that I pulled my trunks down and started jacking off watching it right there in the middle of the dance floor.

The guy blowing Otter moved to start rimming him, at which point Otter took note of me and reached off to start jerking me off. I knew it would be way too easy for me to blow my load all over him, and even though it would be a memorable way to spend my February cumshot, I thought I didn’t want to waste the opportunity and got down on my knees instead. I think my friends were still nearby, and who knew who else might have been in the crowd to see at that point, but fuck it, it’s TRADE, and I wanted to suck that guy off in front of everybody.

I didn’t stay at it long, but long enough to be happy that I had done it. So, like I said, it was a pretty good night.

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With my new full time job I have to wonder how anybody even has time to jerk off during the week! My usually 1-2 hour sessions won’t work with this schedule; I’ve barely had time to even consider it, which is good considering my current state. Nonetheless, tonight I had some fun.

I happened to be in the neighbourhood tonight with about half an hour to kill, so I stopped by that cruising washroom again.

When I walked in, I saw that there was only one person at the urinal (the furthest one from the door on the other side of the wall) and one person in the corner stall. I tried to walk in quietly so I could see if there was anything going on without making everybody scurry away, but it looked like nothing was happening. I went to the other urinal on the other side of the wall, next to the one guy. He looked like a student; early twenties, blond, shaggy, tall, and notably he had put his bag and jacket on the floor. I thought that meant he was here to stay a while but almost as soon as I had my dick out at the urinal he grabbed his stuff and left.

Then it was just me and the guy in the stall… but after about 30 seconds, the other guy came back. He had moved to a urinal on the other side of the wall, and the three of us just held our positions quietly for a while. I think once he was satisfied that I wasn’t here to just piss and leave, he moved back to my side of the wall and his hard dick was in view in no time. I had mine out getting hard, but still not jerking too much lest I cum. I loved the way he was showing off though.

When he took a step back, I reached over and started jacking him off. Nice big thick cock that felt good to wrap my hand around. He leaned back and was enjoying it, until we heard someone coming and went back to our spots. The new guy coming went to one of the urinals on the other side of the wall, and Blondie kept jacking at the urinal. He was safe from being seen since I blocked any eye-lines from new people walking in and he would see someone coming around from the other side. What was extra hot though was that you could hear the sound of his arm moving—fapfapfapfap—from the rustling of his jacket. There was no pretending now; both the stall guy and the new guy must have known what was happening.

After a minute it was clear the new guy wasn’t here to just piss and leave either. Blondie stepped back from the urinal, and instead of grabbing it with my hand this time I went down to suck on it. As I bent over, I saw the guy in the stall peeking his head over the door to see what was going on, and the new guy shuffling around the corner. I didn’t care though; I knew what they were here for and didn’t care if they saw me sucking this guy off.

Blondie was really getting into it too. He stepped way back from the urinal, leaned against the wall, and let his pants and boxers drop to mid thigh as he pulled his shirt up. He was really hard, moaning, leaking precum. The new guy got on his knees and started sucking Blondie’s balls while I went back and forth from sucking him to stroking him with my saliva as lube. At about this point the guy in the stall opened his door and stepped out, nice long cock in hand.

All the attention was on Blondie now. There were a few moments where we could hear something and started to cover up, but we weren’t interrupted. After one of these, I thought it was hot how Blondie had to struggle a bit to pull his pants up from his knees and step back to the urinal. If someone had walked in, even behind the partition he probably would have been seen before he had covered up. Even then, though, he kept jacking off full blast at the urinal. So when the coast was clear again, and I was back to sucking his cock, I grabbed his jeans and boxers and pulled them all the way down to the floor. I should have started unbuttoning his shirt too while the other guys worked his cock.

Blondie is totally into it now, with me jerking and sucking him, new guy on his knees occasionally sucking the balls, and the other guy making out with him and running his hands up and down his body. After a few minutes it was too much and he moans out “I’m cumming” as I jerk his cock. I really wanted to see him shoot all over the guy on his knees, get cum all over his shirt and see how he reacted, but he was too quick and took it all in his mouth. Stall guy immediately stepped back into his stall and I think shot his load into the toilet. (What a waste!)

As blondie put his clothes back on and stall guy tidied himself up, I stood back at the urinal and waited until they both left. New guy was still there on the other side of the wall and poked his head around to see what I was up to, but I wasn’t very interested in him and I was running out of time, so decided to head out myself.

Some night when I have more time, I want to get that corner stall and actually strip down so when I open the door, there’s no hiding. Probably some night when I’m not quite as close to the edge as I am now, that is, but some night with a camera in hand too I should hope. For tonight, though, it was a fun stop-over.

Number of times cumming in 2014: 2 (only 10 left!)
Time without cumming: 35 days, 22 hours
Longest time without cumming: 35 days, 22 hours
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This morning I went to brunch with a friend, and he mentioned that was trying not to masturbate for a while. “How long has it been?” I asked.

“Three days.”

… that’s cute.

Tonight will mark one full month since the last time I came. This is the longest I’ve ever gone since I first learned how.

The effects have been pretty interesting. I wouldn’t say I’m in a constant state of arousal, but the threshold to get me there is pretty low. I do feel a bit like my sexual spidey senses have been heightened. I am much more aware of guys around me, whether they might be cruising (e.g., my numerous trips to the gym sauna), exchanging looks, and I find I respond much more readily. I’m more bold too; once over the summer I was with a friend who was completely conspicuous in his checking guys out, and he said he figures that there’s not really anything to lose if the guy catches you. I’m usually much more discreet, trying not to let anybody see that I might be interested, but I’m coming around to that friend’s way of thinking a lot more. How am I going to hook up with him if I don’t let him catch me cruising him?

Of course there are downsides: I have to be careful I don’t go further than is wise or appropriate in any given situation (e.g., I am horny enough to jerk off in the open in the gym sauna no matter who is around, but I know not everybody is going to appreciate that) and despite wanting to do everything I have to hold back so that I don’t push myself over the edge. Last night in the showers there was a guy checking me out and I wanted to jerk off for him, but after two or three strokes I had to stop. And every time I’m at home, naked, looking at porn or chatting with guys online (especially Hawk!), the urge to cum is close to overwhelming. It’s hard to focus on anything else at times!

Despite the fact that it is now officially February, though, I don’t plan to cum right away. I’m certainly not going to waste it jerking off, but where it ends up is yet to be determined. There are quite a few events coming up—Trade, the Northbound fetish night, and the BlacKKnighT leather ball—any of which might be fun venue to unleash over 31 days of cum (assuming they are open to sex at the event, which is true of the first but maybe not the others). Plus the option of having Hawk himself get it out of me on video for xtube, or letting that guy I’ve been crushing on fuck it out of me like he promised.

Regardless how it happens, February feels full of possibilities!

Number of times cumming in 2014: 2 (only 10 left!)
Time without cumming: 30 days, 17 hours
Longest time without cumming: 30 days, 17 hours
Current time locked in chastity: 0 days, 0 hours
Cumulative time in chastity: 4 days, 9 hours
Longest time locked in chastity: 3 days, 3 hours
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